Want Less Conflict? Get More Vulnerable.
There’s this word we throw around all the time in couples work…
Vulnerability
“Be more vulnerable.”
“Just open up.”
“Try to share your feelings.”
Easy to say, right? Except… it isn’t.
If you’ve ever thought you were being vulnerable, but still ended up stuck in the same old cycle — blame, defend, withdraw, repeat — you’re not alone.
So let’s clear this up once and for all: What is real vulnerability, and what is it not? Why is it so powerful, and why is it so scary? And how can you actually do it in a way that creates the closeness you crave?
Why Vulnerability Matters
Real vulnerability is the heartbeat of every strong relationship.
When you practice it well, it can:
Lower conflict (yep — you’ll argue less and recover faster)
Build empathy and closeness
Get you unstuck from old communication loops
Make it safer to talk about scary or sensitive stuff
Help you feel seen, understood, and cared for
Without vulnerability, you’re stuck in surface-level chatter… or worse, old resentments and scorekeeping. You end up repeating the same arguments about the dishes or the kids or the sex you’re not having… instead of dropping down into what’s really happening underneath: the fears, hurts, needs, or longings that make us human.
So, What Isn’t Vulnerability?
Here’s where a lot of couples get tripped up.
Vulnerability is NOT:
Talking endlessly about what your partner did wrong (“You never listen to me. You always twist my words. You don’t care.”)
Sharing your entire life story as a defense (“Well, when I was a kid this happened, so that’s why I act this way, so you should understand and not be upset.”)
Explaining, justifying, or arguing your point to win
Bringing up your feelings just to control your partner’s response (“I’m telling you I’m hurt so you stop being mad at me”)
These aren’t bad, they’re just not true vulnerability. They’re attempts to get your partner to change or see your side. But true vulnerability isn’t about controlling the outcome, it’s about letting yourself be seen… even if it’s messy, embarrassing, or scary.
What Is Real Vulnerability?
Real vulnerability sounds like:
Naming what’s underneath your anger or shutdown
Sharing your fear, longing, sadness, shame, or hope without blame
Speaking from your side of the street, not your partner’s
It’s the difference between:
“You never help around here, you’re so selfish.”
vs.
“When I feel alone in handling everything, I get scared I don’t matter to you.”
Or:
“You’re just trying to pick a fight.”
vs.
“When you’re upset and I don’t know why, I feel anxious that I messed up.”
See the shift???
One pulls your partner closer. The other pushes them away.
Why It’s So Damn Hard
Let’s be real: Vulnerability is hard, because:
1️⃣ You may not know what you’re actually feeling underneath (most people skip straight to anger or numbness).
2️⃣ It feels risky to say it out loud… it means you might be rejected, misunderstood, or ignored.
3️⃣ You probably weren’t taught how, most of us learned to protect ourselves, not open up.
4️⃣ You might expect your partner to handle it perfectly every time (spoiler: they won’t).
And yet… it’s worth it. Vulnerability is the shortest path to real connection. It’s how you stop repeating the same fights and start hearing each other.
How to Start Practicing It
Here’s what I tell couples every week: Vulnerability takes practice! It’s a skill. And it starts with you, before you open your mouth to your partner.
✅ 1. Tune In Before You Talk
Next time you feel hurt, frustrated, or shut down:
Pause.
Ask yourself: What am I really feeling underneath this?
Dig deeper. If you’re angry, what’s the fear? If you’re cold, what’s the longing? If you’re defensive, what’s the shame or doubt?
Write it down if you need to. Take 5 minutes alone in another room if you need to.
✅ 2. Own Your Side
Frame it as your feeling, your fear, your need… not their failure!
Example:
❌ “You’re making me feel stupid.”
✅ “I feel small and embarrassed when I don’t know the answer. I’m afraid you see me as incompetent.”
✅ 3. Keep It Short and Simple
Vulnerability isn’t a TED Talk. One or two raw, honest sentences can do more than a 20-minute monologue.
Real-Life DOs and DON’Ts
Here’s a quick cheat sheet:
INSTEAD OF:
“You don’t care about me.”
TRY:“I’m scared I don’t matter to you.”
INSTEAD OF:
“You’re so cold lately. What’s your problem?”
TRY:“I feel lonely and miss feeling close to you.”
INSTEAD OF:
“I can’t believe we’re having this same fight.”
TRY:“I feel stuck and hopeless when we fight about this. I wish we could find a better way.”
Try This Together: A Vulnerability Exercise
👉 Step 1: Take 5 minutes apart. Write down:
What am I really feeling?
What do I wish my partner understood about that?
What do I need right now (comfort, understanding, closeness)?
👉 Step 2: Come back together. Take turns reading what you wrote (no interrupting, no fixing).
👉 Step 3: When your partner shares, practice one simple reply:
“Thank you for telling me.”
“I didn’t know that, but hear and I see you now.”
“I get that. That makes sense.”
That’s it. No solutions, no corrections — just witness and thank them for their courage.
Reflection Prompt
Before bed tonight, ask yourself:
When is one moment I could have been more vulnerable today?
What stopped me?
What could I say differently next time?
Small steps. Big change.
When You Need Help (Because We All Do)
If you’re reading this and thinking, this sounds nice but we can’t even get through a normal conversation without blowing up, I get how hard that is to feel stuck in that place. This is exactly where couples therapy can help.
I help couples every day find the language for vulnerability, practice it safely, and break old stuck cycles that keep you distant and defensive. You don’t have to do it perfectly, you just have to start.
If you’re ready to feel heard, closer, and more connected, let’s talk. Vulnerability might feel scary, but it’s how everything starts to heal… pinky promise!
💛 Kimberly Slagle, LMFT — Helping couples find brave new ways forward, one conversation at a time.