Conflict Isn’t the Problem, Avoiding It Is.
Real talk: couples don’t enjoy conflict!
No one looks forward to tension, raised voices, or that awkward silence after a hard conversation, so it makes sense that many of us learn to avoid conflict. We push things down, bite our tongue, change the subject, or hope the problem will just go away.
We avoid conflict because it feels like danger more than an opportunity for connection. But here’s the hard truth: if you avoid conflict, you also avoid intimacy…
Not because conflict itself is fun or desirable, but because real intimacy—emotional, physical, and relational closeness—can only happen when two people are brave enough to be fully themselves, differences and all.
If you don’t show your true thoughts, feelings, or needs (even the messy ones), your partner never really gets to know you. And when they can’t know you, they can’t love you deeply either.
Conflict isn’t the opposite of intimacy. Conflict, handled well, creates intimacy.
Why Do We Avoid Conflict?
Conflict avoidance usually comes from a mix of learned experiences and protective instincts. Some common reasons include:
Family history: If you grew up in a home where conflict was explosive, scary, or completely silent, you may have learned that bringing up issues = danger.
Past relationships: Maybe you once tried to speak up and it ended in yelling, rejection, or a breakup. That memory lingers and makes avoidance feel safer.
Lack of self-awareness: If you don’t know what you really feel or need, you can’t bring it into the conversation, so silence becomes the default.
Fear of loss: Deep down, you may wonder, If I speak my truth, will my partner still love me? Will they leave? Will I have to change in ways that feel impossible?
Conflict as identity threat: Some people think, If my partner is upset with me, it means I’m failing or unlovable. That fear of being “the bad one” keeps you quiet.
Avoidance isn’t laziness, it’s protection. The problem is, it protects you at the cost of your connection.
The Intimacy Tradeoff
Let’s look at how avoidance plays out:
The silent partner: You don’t bring up what’s bothering you. On the outside, things look “peaceful.” On the inside, resentment builds.
The peacemaker: You smooth over arguments, quickly agreeing to keep the other person happy. But over time, you lose touch with your own wants and needs.
The withdrawer: When conflict arises, you retreat. You shut down conversations or physically leave the room. This creates distance, not safety.
In each of these, the message to your partner is: You don’t get to know the real me. My anger, fear, or disappointment isn’t welcome here. That blocks intimacy.
Here’s the paradox: the very thing you’re avoiding (conflict) is the thing that opens the door to closeness. Facing conflict together—with honesty, care, and respect—is what allows you to know each other’s inner world. And that’s the heart of intimacy.
How Couples Get Conflict Wrong
When couples do attempt to face conflict, it often backfires because:
They come in hot with blame: “You never listen. You always do this.”
They get defensive: “That’s not true. You’re the one who…”
They go to fixing or dismissing instead of listening: “You’re overreacting. Just calm down.”
They retreat too soon: “Forget it, I don’t want to fight.”
Each of these responses shuts down the possibility of intimacy because they block understanding.
How to Do It Right: Shifting Into Connection
When done well, conflict is a bridge, not a wall. Here are key shifts that make all the difference:
1. Slow Down and Name Your Feelings
Instead of launching into blame, try:
“I felt hurt when I reached for you last night and you pulled away.”
“I noticed I’ve been feeling lonely even though we’re in the same room. Can we talk about that?”
Notice how these statements show your inner world instead of attacking. That’s vulnerability, and it invites closeness.
2. Stay Curious Instead of Certain
Instead of assuming you know your partner’s intent, ask:
“Can you help me understand what was happening for you just then?”
“When you said that, what did you need from me?”
This shifts you from accusation to discovery, which opens the door to intimacy.
3. Normalize That Disagreement ≠ Disconnection
Remind yourself: conflict doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re two humans with different perspectives trying to stay connected.
4. Practice Repair
When conflict gets messy (and it will), repair quickly. Try:
“I realize I shut down just now. Let me try again.”
“That came out harsh. What I really want you to know is that you matter to me.”
Repair builds safety and trust, making future conflicts less scary.
What We Need From Ourselves and Each Other
To move out of avoidance, both partners need to take responsibility:
From ourselves: courage to speak up, willingness to sit in discomfort, and a commitment to show our true selves.
From our partner: openness to hear hard truths without punishing, space for vulnerability, and reassurance that “we can work through this together.”
When both people bring these to the table, conflict becomes a doorway to intimacy, not a threat to it.
Couple’s Exercise: The Gentle Start-Up
Pick one small, low-stakes issue (not the biggest one on your list). Practice bringing it up with these steps:
Soften the opening: Use “I feel” instead of “you always”, and “we” language as much as possible
Example: “I feel disconnected when we’re both on our phones at night.”
State a positive need:
“Could we put them away for 20 minutes before bed?”
Stay curious: Ask your partner how they feel about the request.
Debrief afterwards: How did that feel? Did it create more closeness?
Self-Reflection Exercise: What Am I Really Afraid Of?
Take 10 minutes to journal:
When I avoid conflict, what fear is underneath? (Fear of rejection, loss, change, being misunderstood?)
Where did I first learn that conflict was unsafe?
If I imagined a conflict going well, what would that look like? What would I feel?
Noticing your patterns is the first step to changing them.
When to Seek Support
If you and your partner find yourselves:
Stuck in cycles of avoidance and silence
Afraid that bringing up issues will “blow things up”
Longing for intimacy but unsure how to bridge the gap
…it might be time to get help.
A skilled couples therapist can guide you in creating a safe space for conflict, teaching you to navigate differences in ways that actually bring you closer instead of pushing you apart.
How I Can Help
I’m Kimberly Slagle, LMFT, and I’ve spent over a decade helping couples face the very conversations they’ve been avoiding for years. Together, we’ll build tools to handle conflict with courage, compassion, and clarity—so instead of fearing it, you can lean into it and discover deeper intimacy.
If you’re ready to move past avoidance and into closeness, I’d love to support you.